There is a tradition in the UK to make New Year’s resolutions at the start of each year. A resolution is a firm decision, a commitment, a promise to yourself or others. Typical New Year’s resolutions are to exercise more, eat more healthily, save money, drink less alcohol … be a better version of ourselves all round. Not surprisingly, these resolutions don’t tend to make it to the end of January, never mind the whole year.
And that is because most New Year’s resolutions are based on ‘shoulds’, things we think we really should do, not necessarily what we want to do. The word ‘should’ is loaded with obligation, expectation and requirement. There is very little choice in a ‘should’. If we base our resolutions on unexamined ‘shoulds’ we are not really choosing them. We are not unpacking our resistance to changing behaviours and the reasons we find resolutions difficult to achieve.
Making a New Year’s resolution to reduce alcohol intake without exploring why we drink alcohol renders the resolution to a ‘should’ not a ‘want’.
Most UK based adults who drink alcohol, for example, already know they ‘should’ drink less. Consciences are eased by Dry January and Sober October where we can all prove to ourselves that we are not dependant on what is, essentially, a socially endorsed, highly addictive, toxic substance. Making a New Year’s resolution to reduce alcohol intake without exploring why we drink alcohol renders the resolution to a ‘should’ not a ‘want’. If we resolved to want to drink less alcohol, the real work of changing our relationship to alcohol would begin.
Similarly with exercise, another favourite New Year’s resolution. Sadly, buying a gym membership does not resolve our reluctance to exercise. Working out what we want to do to improve our health, what kinds of exercise we like, why we find it hard to build exercise into our daily routine … those are the routes to change, not handing over cash to a gym in January to never visit the place beyond the induction session.
So let’s bring this back to our specialism here at CICS, sex and relationships. I wonder how many people make having more sex a New Year’s resolution, or resolving a sexual problem, or improving the quality of an intimate relationship? Again, there are no ‘shoulds’ here – it’s about centring our commitments to ‘wants’. Do you want a better sex life or do you think yours should be better, and how are you defining ‘better’. Do you want to resolve a sexual problem? Is it actually a problem for you or something that society says is a problem? What might you gain if you lose this problem? What might you lose if you lose this problem? Do you want to improve the quality of your relationship or is it time to call it a day? Is the status quo easier than making a change?
Maybe 2026 is the year that you turn your shoulds into wants and resolve to address those aspects of your life that cause you underlying distress.
If you need support with sexual or relationship problems here is our Recommended Therapists and our low cost therapy service STH.
