We made a short Instagram post recently on the question ‘can two things be true at once’. The point of the post was to highlight the complexity of human experience and the way we hold multiple truths in therapy, where clients can be grateful and grieving, open and unsure, excited and afraid, what we refer to as the ‘both/and’ in therapy.
This post has stayed with me and has opened further areas of reflection as I continue to learn more about being in this world as a person, an organisational lead, a colleague, a partner, a parent and a friend.
I think there is a temptation to polarise and simplify when we have a confronting experience, to make a situation more understandable for ourselves, when allowing for multiple truths might, in fact, be closer to the truth we need to absorb.
This really shows up in the context of relationship therapy work. Can it be possible for a person in a monogamous relationship to be genuinely in love and committed to their partner and to have an affair? My experience as a relationship therapist tells me this is possible, although I can appreciate why it would be simpler to just label a person a duplicitous cheater. Yes, a person in a monogamous relationship who has an affair has definitely broken their relationship code and, potentially, the heart of their partner and the safety of their family. That doesn’t automatically mean they don’t love their partner, or even that they are dissatisfied with their relationship. People are capable of loving many other people but are constrained by social norms of monogamy. People sometimes have affairs because of a personal need in them more than a problem in their relationship. Affairs are often in the territory of both/and, a space where multiple truths exist.
A person who is a great parent might value parenting far higher than showing up for friendships. Some people place their intimate partners on a values hierarchy above their children.
Let’s extend this to a wider context then. Is it possible for a person to be a good parent and a terrible friend, or a great partner and an awful parent? A decent person in one context and a terrible person in the other? What about the people on social media who troll and terrify strangers whilst in their ‘real lives’ are they are hard workers and devoted family members? Can a person look you in the eye and tell you one thing they appear to wholeheartedly believe to be true and then say something contradictory to another person? Are they being genuinely true to parts of themselves in those moments or do they lack a coherent sense of self, moral compass or values structure? Does being bad in one context mean a person is inherently bad and all of their apparent goodness is a front or a sham?
I think the confronting issue here is the lack of consistency between the values of one set of behaviours and another. There is a values conflict between loving a partner in a monogamous relationship and cheating on your partner. There is a values disconnect between being a loving parent and a hateful friend, or a committed partner and a neglectful parent.
Maybe it’s less of a values discrepancy and more of a values hierarchy. It could be that the person is navigating their behaviour based on which values they prioritise. A person who has an affair might value their personal expression and pleasure more than their monogamous relationship code. A person who is a great parent might value parenting far higher than showing up for friendships. Some people place their intimate partners on a values hierarchy above their children.
It is these values clashes though that we find hard to hold and hard to forgive when we find ourselves on the receiving end of duplicity or betrayal or being treated as lower down on someone’s values hierarchy. And, of course, we are capable of being and doing conflicting things ourselves. This is the complexity of being a person and, for therapists, of holding those complexities in our clients and ourselves whilst maintaining positive regard for us all.
