It’s holiday season here in the UK and many people are taking a well-earned break from their day to day lives. Not everyone can afford to go away on holiday or to stop work for more than a day or two, but any time that is forged for rest can be of great value to us psychologically, emotionally and relationally.
At the same time, holidays can present their own challenges. Getting ready for a holiday can feel like a huge pressure; the packing, making care arrangements for elderly parents or pets for whilst you are away, the travel arrangements .. it can all add up to feeling like staying at home would be easier!
Yet finally, we arrive on our holiday and the rest and fun can begin. Or not. Other pressures can then start to pile in, such as feeling we need to switch off from work, not think about anything stressful, have sex if we are with an intimate partner, enjoy the company of our friends and family if we are holidaying with them, when we might not actually get on with them all that much!
Let’s unpack the tyrannies of the holiday ‘shoulds’.
You should switch off from work
A break from work is important for many of us and some of us can switch off from work the minute we leave for our holidays. For some this might not be so easy. There might be work related things that we can’t stop thinking about such as awful office politics, the way our boss is treating us or deadlines that didn’t pause just because we went away. Rather than expecting ourselves to stop thinking about work on holiday, maybe we need to permit ourselves to think about work related preoccupations whilst we are away. Being in a different setting can give us a fresh perspective on work. Having time to talk work through with the people we are away with can breathe some oxygen into situations that feel suffocating.
Some of us love our work and being away from it might feel like a loss or a frustration rather than a vacation. If this is you, perhaps allow yourself to use your holiday as time to think through new projects, free up creative space in your mind, or talk through new work ideas with your holiday companions.
Negotiate time alone if you can or accept that sex might not be possible whilst you are away. If that is the case, keep your sexual connection going with non-sexual touch, flirting or stored up fantasies for what you want to do together when you get back home.
Human brains rarely switch from one thing to another easily, so maybe let’s think about holidays as a time to turn a dimmer switch in our minds to diffuse our work thoughts rather than turn them fully off.
You should have sex on holiday
Holidays can give couples and intimate partners more time to connect emotionally and physically and that can sometimes mean more space for sex, in whatever way you define sex in your relationship. The expectation of more sex whilst on holiday though can be a passion killer in and of itself. Those of us who need to feel relaxed and emotionally connected to be sexually expressive might feel an unspoken or spoken expectation for sex on holiday as a huge turn off. If we are away with family, privacy might actually be even more limited than at home, so even if intimate partners are aligned on their desire for sex, they might not have the opportunity.
The antidote to this pressure is communication. Talk about your desire or inhibitions with your partner to avoid this being a loaded elephant in the room atmosphere between you whilst you are away. Negotiate time alone if you can or accept that sex might not be possible whilst you are away. If that is the case, keep your sexual connection going with non-sexual touch, flirting or stored up fantasies for what you want to do together when you get back home.
You should enjoy time with your friends and family
Of course we would hope to enjoy time with the people we go away with, assuming we have a choice of who we holiday with. But that doesn’t mean we won’t have moments of wishing we were on our own, or that there won’t be a cross word for the whole vacation. Holidays throw friends and family members together who might only spend weekends or evenings together in non-holiday times, so it’s inevitable there will be tensions and stressors whilst everyone adjusts to one another.
Some people don’t have much of a choice who they go on holiday with. Children and teenagers are mostly obliged to be away with parents and caregivers, and vice versa! Some families have expectations of being with extended family for holiday periods which in reality can be joyful … or awful, depending on the nature of your relationships.
Again, this is all about expectation and choice. If, overall, time with family and friends is nourishing for you, don’t make the small rows and annoyances detract from that. If your holidays with others feel more like obligation than pleasure, then see if you can carve independent time out for yourself whilst away or work through why you are committing to holidays in the company of others when you’d rather be anywhere else, including back at work!
You get to define what a holiday means to you and, specifically, what you think about and, to some extent, do whilst you are away. So, let the ‘shoulds’ go and do what works for you and your holiday companions if you are taking a holiday this year.
