Two small words that broke my heart. Two small words that opened my eyes. Two of the most important words I have read this year. ‘Unkind eyes’.
In her beautiful book Tending Grief Camille Sapara Barton uses the term ‘unkind eyes’ to describe the way that white people look at people of colour. I understood immediately that being looked at with ‘unkind eyes’ has rarely, if ever, been my experience as a white woman. Most notably, people don’t look at me with suspicion. As an older woman I can be overlooked and underestimated but I am rarely considered a threat, a concern, an unwelcome presence. I can’t even imagine the harm it does to your personhood to be looked at with deep mistrust, judgement and hatred by strangers, entirely based on the colour of your skin.
Since reading the book, I have made it my business to turn extra kind eyes on anyone with socially minoritised identities. I’ve reflected deeply on who I have unkind eyes for. Who have I shot a look of derision and judgement at, and why? I might feel justified in my unkind eyes, which tend to be directed metaphorically to people who don’t share my social justice values, but am I just oppressing from a progressive position?
Reading Tending Grief was part of the deep dive into anti-oppressive psychotherapy we have undertaken at CICS. Considered the sixth force of psychotherapy, following on from the forces of psychoanalytic, cognitive behavioural, humanistic-existential, multicultural and social justice, anti-oppressive psychotherapy pulls together a set of over-arching principles that address the systemic oppression of marginalised peoples. It has been confronting but essential work and our learnings are now starting to percolate through the CICS curricula. We’ve made a big step forwards, with many steps to go, but we are underway. Our lens has shifted and we cannot unsee what we now see.
My invitation to you today is to think about who you turn unkind eyes on, whatever your social positioning. It might feel completely right and fair to use your unkind eyes , but you might just be recycling harm rather than healing it.
