Dear Fellow Counsellors and Psychotherapists,
SEX
Sex. Yes, I said the word. Imagine, someone from here said that word out loud. Worse than that, they’ve dared to write it down and have it published online. Shock. Horror.
And yet, even reading this now, notice what happens inside you. Slight discomfort? A tightening? A curiosity mixed with hesitation? Perhaps even a question, should this be said so openly?
Here is the truth we rarely name: even as therapists, many of us were never actually taught how to talk about sex in our counselling rooms. Not in any meaningful, practical, or clinically confident way. It is often absent from our core training or briefly touched upon in ways that do not prepare us for the realities of practice.
Yet, again, almost all of us have, have had, or will have sex. We are human: we have desires, relationships, questions, and histories.
So how is it that something so fundamentally human becomes something so professionally avoided?
Isn’t this extremely reflective of the culture which the majority of us have been brought up in? We learn about sex and relationships through whispers with our friends, watching “shameful” pornography on the TV or internet, piecing together understanding from half-truths and misinformation, and having desires and fantasies which can leave us questioning ourselves, Is this normal? Is this wrong? What does this say about me?
For many of us across Northern Ireland and the Republic, sex has not simply been misunderstood. It has been moralised. It has been positioned, implicitly or explicitly, within a framework of right and wrong, good and bad, acceptable and unacceptable. Often, those messages were not neutral; they were loaded with judgement, silence, and consequence.
SHAME
We absorbed ideas, sometimes spoken, often unspoken, that sex was something to be controlled, contained, or even feared. That desire needed to be justified. That curiosity could be dangerous. That pleasure, particularly outside of narrow heteronormative experiences, is something to feel guilty about.
And so, without ever being explicitly told, many of us internalised a quiet but powerful narrative:
"there is a right way to be sexual, and a wrong way”.
Anything outside of that? Risky. Shameful. Deviant.
These beliefs do not just disappear because we become therapists. They come with us, into our training, into our practice, into the therapy room. They shape what we feel comfortable asking. What we avoid. What we unconsciously steer away from. What we struggle to name.
And yet, here we are, as counsellors, psychotherapists, and practitioners, sitting with clients whose lives are profoundly shaped by these very dynamics; whether we feel comfortable with it or not, sex and relationships are not separate from mental health. They are central to it.
Reflections as a Therapist
I am writing to you not only as the CEO of A Safe Space to be Me, but as a Senior Accredited Psychotherapist and Registered Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist who has spent years working where shame, identity, trauma and intimacy meet.
What I have seen, time and time again, is this:
Our clients are already talking about sex, even when they are not using the word.
It shows up in:
- Relationship breakdown and emotional disconnection
- Sexual difficulties and avoidance
- Experiences of trauma, including sexual abuse and violence
- Confusion, shame, or fear around identity, desire and intimacy
- Patterns of attachment, control and vulnerability within relationships
And sometimes, it shows up in something even more hidden and shameful; clients who want to have sex, who long for connection, intimacy and closeness, but for whom it does not feel possible, because of “function” difficulties.
Difficulties with arousal, erection, lubrication, pain, desire, orgasm. Bodies that do not respond in the way they are “supposed to.”
And, in the cultural context many of our clients come from, these experiences are rarely talked about openly. There is little language, little normalisation, and often no safe space to explore what is happening.
So, what fills that silence?
Shame.
Self-blame.
A deep, internalised belief of there is something wrong with me.
Many of these clients are already sitting in what can only be described as a shame-fueled pit — isolated, confused, and often terrified of being exposed.
As therapists, if we cannot meet them there, if we cannot name what is happening, if we avoid the conversation, or if we are carrying our own unexamined shame, we risk reinforcing that belief.
We risk becoming another place where the silence continues.
Another place where the topic is sidestepped.
Another place where their experience remains unseen, unnamed and untouched.
And that, unintentionally, can cause further harm.
Not because we lack care. But because we lack the specialist training, confidence, and language required to safely hold these conversations.
Removing Shame and Normalising All Human Experience
There is currently a growing, unmet need for qualified psychosexual and relationship therapists across both jurisdictions. At the same time, training opportunities remain limited and often disconnected from the lived, cultural, and legislative realities of working on this island.
For too long, practitioners here have had to look elsewhere, often to models that do not fully reflect our shared histories, our social context, or the unique complexities of practice across Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland.
This is why, in collaboration with the Contemporary Institute of Clinical Sexology, A Safe Space to be Me has developed the Cross Border Centre of Excellence in Psychosexual and Relationship Therapy.
This is a first-of-its-kind specialist training hub designed specifically for practitioners working across Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland.
It is not a replication of an England-based model. It is a bespoke, contextually grounded training, built for here.
A space where:
- The legacy of silence, shame, and stigma around sex is openly acknowledged
- Cultural, religious, and political influences are explored, not avoided
- Legal frameworks North and South are clearly understood
- Practitioners are supported to reflect not only on their clients’ experiences, but on their own internalised narratives
This work is not just about knowledge. It is about courage. It is about self-awareness. It is about our willingness to sit in conversations that many of us were never allowed to have.
This training is rooted in a pluralistic, trauma-informed, bio-psycho-social framework, equipping you to work with complex and diverse real-world presentations.
You will develop specialist competence in areas such as:
- Sexual anatomy, response and function … and so-called “dysfunction”
- Gender, sexuality and relational diversities
- Compulsive sexual behaviours
- Sexual health and fertility
- Working with shame
- Relationships “all dynamics” and associated complexities
- Sexual and relational trauma and violence
This is about more than competence; this is about reclaiming this area of practice. It is about moving from:
Silence to language
Discomfort to confidence
Avoidance to meaningful, attuned engagement
If we, as therapists, cannot hold these conversations safely, compassionately and competently, our clients will continue to carry them alone, often in shame.
We are at a turning point across this island.
Cultural shifts are happening. Conversations around sexuality, gender, consent, and relationships are becoming more visible, and yet, the legacy of silence still runs deep.
This is where we have a responsibility.
- To meet our clients where they are.
- To develop the skills required for modern practice.
- To actively contribute to a culture that reduces shame, rather than reinforces it
This is not about becoming something different. It is about becoming more of the therapist you already are, with the depth, competence and confidence to work with one of the most fundamental aspects of human experience.
If this resonates with you, I invite you to consider what it would mean to take that next step in your professional development.
To deepen your clinical lens.
To expand your confidence.
To be part of a community shaping the future of psychosexual and relationship therapy across Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland.
Our clients are already asking these questions.
The real question is, are you ready to answer them?
Find out more information and to how to apply for our Qualifying Diploma in Psychosexual and Relationship Therapy.
