Dear Christian Parents,
Hello! I am writing to you as a psychosexual therapist and follower of Jesus Christ. This would make me a Christian who is a therapist, but not necessarily a therapist that works towards Christian values in my therapeutic practice. This feels like an important distinction between my personal morals and how I choose to live my own life, and my wider professional ethics that direct my work. My invitation to you is in a similar vein; to hold separately your own personal beliefs as parents and the freedom of choice your children have to explore what they want for their own lives. It can be a beautiful part of parenthood to raise your children in the love and guidance of God. A challenge we must sit with is that God also gives us free will to make our own decisions in life, which extends to the individual desires of your children.
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins” 1 Peter 4:8
Shame vs Pleasure
The Bible speaks about the pleasures of sex in its many forms as a beautiful gift. Song of Solomon is full of erotic imagery which we can see if the verse below. This is often interpreted by theologians as a representation of oral sex.
“Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste” - Song of Solomon Chapter 2: 3-7
Despite this, we so often hear Church teaching a script around fear and condemnation of sex. This leads to a culture of shame around sexual desire that can cause sexual function problems in the future.
Every year when I was younger, I attended a Christian Bible camp. Overall, I look upon my experience with a real fondness; a wonderful opportunity to learn about God’s love, and bond with other youth groups. That being said, it is also one of the main reasons I wanted to become a sex and relationship therapist; helping to remove narratives of shame being put over the younger generations of the Church.
I can remember at a Q&A panel, youth texting in their questions around sex and relationships. A boy around 13 years old wrote in with concerns that he was developing desires towards a girl in his youth group. A well-respected member of the panel, with confidence, told him that we are all brothers and sisters in Christ, “how disgusting that he felt this way towards his sister”. The rest of the speakers nodded in agreement, and I left feeling sick to my stomach. It was a quiet night back at camp.
This shame around desire runs deep throughout pivotal moments of sexual-development and then is expected to lift as soon as a wedding night comes around. Sexuality is not an internal switch that we can flick on and off at the toss of a bouquet. In my practice I have worked with many couples that present with sexual function issues post marriage. This is because they have been taught to repress sexual desire and that “lust” is a disrespect towards both their partner and God. The Orthodox Church suggests that it is not the sexual desire within itself that is a sin, but instead the overwhelming nature of it which brings it into a place of compulsion. I would like to suggest that this is a better alternative to “shame culture” for conversations around sex with your children.
The Jewish tradition has ritualistic practice around sexual pleasure, outside of procreation, called Oneg Shabbat (Sabbath Delight). This is time set aside on Friday night as part of God’s gift of enhancement of joy over the Sabbath. This scheduling of sex suggests that God wants pleasure to be an active part of our lives.
Psychoeducation*
*Trigger Warning discussion of sexual abuse
I have met with many Christians in my therapy practice who have never received a full sex education from their schools or their parents. I would like to invite you to have an openness with your children around sexual anatomy and provide them with scientific language for their body parts. I understand these conversations can be uncomfortable, especially if you have been raised in a culture that taught you to have shame around your own sexual anatomy. The benefits of empowering your children to accurately communicate their needs and concerns outweighs this momentary discomfort. The role of language in safeguarding your children against harm is huge. Unfortunately, all positions of power have the capability to be used for harm; the Church, youth groups and Christian weekends away are no exception to this. If the language your child learns about their genitalia is “my cookie, winky, foo foo, flower”, then they will struggle to tell an adult about any inappropriate behaviour they have experienced or witnessed. An active reduction of shame around sex in conversation also gives them permission that anything that happens doesn’t need to be hidden in shame or embarrassment.
The Gender Split
Any and all conversations that skirt around the borders of sex within the church tend to be gender split. I hold the stance that there are more than two genders and follow the World Health Organisation (WHO) definition that gender and biological sex are separate. However, as I am speaking into the vast majority of Church settings, these groupings would be “boys” and “girls”.
Boys are taught about the perceived dangers of pornography and masturbation, and girls are taught the importance of dressing modestly to not lead their brothers in Christ into temptation. This latter point teaches female bodied youth that it is their responsibility and/or fault for dressing “immodestly” (whatever that means), if someone acts upon a sexual desire towards them; either consensually or non-consensually. This again leans into shame and completely negates the important conversations around consent. It is also in direct contradiction to the teachings of Jesus in the Bible. When asked about sexual desire by a man in the Bible, Jesus does not place the responsibility on women, but instead tells the man,
“If your eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away” - Matthew 18:9
This is, of course, aggressive language to be sharing with your children and Jesus doesn’t call us to bodily harm. The important meaning to offer your children is around the importance of consent and taking responsibility for your own feelings and actions.
I think we all need to be more active in our questioning of why conversations around sexuality, pleasure, curiosity around self-touch, and consent are gendered amongst Christians. All genders experience these things. If these teachings were offered to a space where everyone was gathered collectively to talk about sex and relationships, then we could invite greater empathy across the genders and give a wider biological understanding between those assigned male and female at birth.
LGBTQIA+ and Queer Siblings in Christ:
God loves you. If you have never been told that, please let me. God loves you and the Church is called to too.
This is for all readers of this post, Christian or not, parents or not, biological children and chosen family. Exploring sex and gender diversity is a subject that deserves a post of its own. However, if as a parent you wish for you or your children to be members of an affirming church community that welcomes you as you are, you can find below a UK wide map of Affirming Churches.
God Bless,
Helaina
Helaina Ashcroft:
